Jenni's Journals - Hannah's Hope Book

For any fans of Amazon's Kindle system, just wanted to let you know that Hannah's Hope is now available as a Kindle book! :)

Labels: book

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I started posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope last year. After several months of not consistantly posting, I am picking up with “part one” on thoughts from chapter ten, focusing on grace in supporting one another as God uniquely leads each of us through the plans He has for our lives. I will continue with “part two” from chapter 10 next month, tackling the specific question of manipulating God.

Of all the chapters I have adapted for devotionals, this one has been the hardest to change into this format because I wrote this chapter differently from the others, with the bulk of the chapter addressing 10 “filter questions” and their accompanying scriptural support to help you in making decisions concerning treatment options, adoption plans or other choices related to the infertility journey. The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Anything for a Child?" chapter ten of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.


And she made a vow saying, “Oh LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, the I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
- 1 Samuel 1:11 (NIV)

For some, the inability to conceive is simply a closed door, and they have peace to move on to other life goals. For the rest of us, when children don’t come along as planned, we face emotionally taxing, financially draining, and ethically complex choices. “Lord, I’ll do anything for a baby!” can be the soul’s gripping cry.

Hannah too, felt this anguish. In desperation, she called out to the Lord, committing her yet-to-be conceived son to the life of a Nazirite (Numbers 6), a vow to hold him to a highly restrictive lifestyle that was normally entered into only for a short season, yet she was making this promise on his behalf, for life!

Is “anything” for a baby really okay? As Rick and I prayerfully considered what we could or should attempt in efforts to add children to our family we faced questions such as these: Is medical aid acceptable? If so, how far is too far? What longing would (and would not) adoption resolve for us? Can I bargain with God or manipulate my way to motherhood? If my friends or family are pushing me toward treatment or adoption and we don’t feel God leading us there, is there anything wrong with not taking these paths?

The authoritative source to answer all these questions is the Word of God. But even though we’re all reading the same Bible, Christians often reach significantly differing opinions about acceptable options. I believe this can be attributed, at least in part, to the Holy Spirit’s unique leading in each family. “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

While there are some “black-and-white” scriptural constants, I must remember that the convictions God lays on my heart in “gray” areas, may or may not be applicable to others. Just as I don’t want you to judge the choices I make with a clear conscience before the Lord, I cannot fault you for the paths He chooses for you, even when I would not personally have peace in the same decisions.

It all goes back to each person’s need to listen for that still, small voice whispering to our hearts, “This is the way, walk in it.” Then we must WALK where He directs, as He prompts. Not RUN in our own directions ahead of His will or stubbornly dig in our heels, refusing to move forward…

If any of your lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
- James 1:5 (NIV)

------------
Dear Lord,
Thank You that You do have a special plan for my life. I may not like where You have me right now, but I thank You that I don’t have to walk this path alone, without Your guidance for each decision and step. And I thank You for friends who have walked/are walking this journey to support and cheer me along the way. We may not always see eye to eye nor come to the same conclusions about Your directions for our lives, but we can still lean on and learn from one another as we each follow the paths You have laid for our individual journeys. I thank You that You are the final authority my husband and I answer to in the moral and ethical decisions this journey can bring. And I thank You for the guidance of Your written Word and of Your Spirit to give us the wisdom we so desperately need.

Labels: monthly book devotional

I will be one of four authors participating in a book signing on Saturday, June 14, from 1-4 at His Word Christian bookstore (7689 S Virginia St.) in Reno, NV. Two of us are from right here in Reno, the other two are driving over from the Sacramento area. Please come support and encourage your local authors!

Diana Symons has written two Children's fairy tales with a Christian influence called "Tales From the Thone" - DianaSymons.com

Jeanette Hanscome (leader of the Reno Christian Writers critique group) has written several pre-teen and young-adult bookes including "Want More? Joy" Brio Devotional #3 and two books in Focus on the Family's Brio Girls fiction series. - JeanetteHanscome.com

Jan Kern will be sharing her recent teen and young adult releases, "Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal--A Journey Out of Self-Injury" and "Seduced by Sex, Saved by Love? A Journey Out of False Intimacy". - JanKern.com

And I will be signing Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss - Read the first chapter and find out more at http://www.HannahsHopeBook.com

I would love to see your smiling faces on the 14th! Please feel free to pass this news along to your local church, teen group, youth group, women's group, book club, or anyone you know who may be interested in any of the topics we are touching on. Or if you know anyone who simply might like to meet local "real, live authors," we would love to meet them too.

Labels: books, event, promotion, public speaking

I have had ongoing email issues ever since "upgrading" my computer to Vista last February. If you are trying to reach me and cannot get ahold of me at jennifer AT saake DOT biz, please try contacting me at InnerBeauty AT AffordableMineralMakeup DOT com (removing spaces and replacing at with @ and DOT with .) instead. I am sorry this has become so frustrating. We are working to find a solution.

Labels: email address

Being nearly 24 hours old, I know this is "old news" by internet standards. But I also believe there are many who many not yet have heard. And so with very heavy heart I share with you that Maria Sue Chapman, youngest adopted daughter of adoption advocates and champions Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman, was killed in an accident in their family's driveway yesterday afternoon. Maria was 5 years old.

A memorial fund to benefit the Shaohannah's Hope has been set up "in lieu of flowers" at Maria's Miracle Fund or donations by mail amy be sent to Shaohannah's Hope, c/o Maria's Miracle Fund, PO Box 647, Franklin TN, 37065. You may learn more about Maria and express your condolences to the Chapman family on Maria's Memorial Blog.

Funeral Arrangements for Maria Sue Chapman. These times are open to the public if anyone would like to be a part of celebrating the life of Maria.

FRI May 23rd Visitation 5-8pm

SAT May 24th Memorial service 11am

At Christ Presbyterian Church
2323 Old Hickory Blvd, Nashville, TN
(615) 373-2311

Labels: adoption loss, Chapman, grief

Christian singer Todd Smith, of the group Selah, and his family have just welcomed and said goodbye to their youngest daughter, Audrey this week. Here is Angie's beautiful, heatbreaking, deeply-touching letter to their daughter. Anyone who has said goodbye "too soon" will be moved by these words that will capture your heart.

(As a forwarning for those with no living children, there are beautiful pictures of the Smith's three living daughers and the girls' experiences in their sister's brief earthly life pictured and mentioned on this page. There are also beautiful pictures of Audrey.)

Labels: grief, hope

A lady I have had the joy of just starting to get to know through Hannah's Prayer posted a touching message on our message boards this week. Heather and her husband have been striving to grow their family since 2000 and lost their only children (IVF twins) to miscarriage this past December. I've been praying about what I could share with hurting hurts this Easter, and Heather has graciously allowed me to share her Good Friday post with you today:

Hi ladies,

Today is Good Friday and my husband and I have just been wandering around running errands. We are both feeling unsettled... partly because of the weather though...it's a dreary day.

I find for myself a part of it is that here I am buying chocolate easter eggs for my nephew, and my niece's first easter teddy bear. I just felt so empty. It makes the aching of missing our babies so strong. I think of how far along I would have been today...and that I would have been one of the proud pregnant women walking around the mall.

I am finding that I'm hiding my feelings more and more. I'm trying so hard to allow myself to heal, but to still allow myself my moments of tears. I know that will go on for a long time. I don't know what it is this week...but I've seen TWO sets of identical twins...and I found myself just staring at them wondering what our identical twins would have looked like. I've just never seen two sets of I.T's, let alone within the span of one week! And everywhere I look there are adverts "Baby Days On Now", "Big Baby Event"...like everywhere I turn I'm slapped in the face.
I try to just keep my head high and think of where our babies are. I know that they are wrapped in God's loving arms. One day I will know why our babies had to leave us so soon. One day we will hold them ALL in our arms!

Anyhow, I just wanted to share a couple of verses that have become very important to me since losing our twins. It was difficult to get back in to God's word, but I'm feeling refreshed once again by His voice.

Romans 8:24-28
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Psalms 50:15
"I want you to trust me in your times of trouble, so I can rescue you, and you can give me glory."

I just wanted to share these verses with all of you, and hope that these words touch you as much as they are helping to guide me through each day.

I feel so happy to have found this site, to have a place where I can express my sadness, but also have the opportunity to share some encouragement too!

Hugs and Prayers,
Heather

If you would like to contact Heather directly, her email address is heather_johnson AT shaw DOT ca (remove spaces and replace AT and DOT with @ and .)

On past Easter's I've just had to keep going back to the heartache of the Father as He watched His only biological Son die to pay the price for my eternal adoption. I pray for each and every griving mom-at-heart who is also struggling to get through this weekend.

Labels: Easter, grief

I had the blessing of sharing with a group of about 30 women from our church this past weekend. God put on my heart the topic of "Harvesting Hope from Heartache" based on Psalm 126:5-6 that says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

God's hand seemed to be upon the entire afternoon and I felt His peace and guidance as I spoke. For the first time ever when doing public speaking, I got up to start without any feelings of of even mild panic nor shaking hands or anything! I had been a bit nervous before hand, but just really felt a great sence of peace all the way around when the time to talk actually came.
It was so encouraging to have my Mom there. I also have a fairly new friend from church that came and she went through a few years of infertility before the birth of her daughter. They are just getting ready to start trying to conceive again after their little miracle, so she's nervous about that journey. Also a lady I met on another message board was there, just a week after her 12-week miscarriage. Another friend there had a daughter who died in infancy about 10 years ago. I don't know everyone else's stories, but several ladies came up to talk afterwards and said that they were blessed, so I'm just praising the Lord right now!

Here's a brief outline of the talk:

Harvest Cycle (After each phase of the cycle are the emotions a grain of wheat might experience as it prepares for its final purpose.)

Planting – darkness, suffocation, loneliness

No one is immune from heartache. Even when I can’t feel Him, God is always there.

I shared the opening portion of Hannah's Hope chapter one, Hannah's loss of innocence and my story of attending a party as an infertile woman, to illustrate the isolation and darkness of the planting season.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? …If I make my bed in the depths, you are there… Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. – From Psalm 139:7-12



Waiting – seemingly endless, pointless, impatience

God’s “protection” may leave me bewildered, but He always has a plan for my good.

Read "Wait", the poem I posted in my previous blog entry.

“…For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11



Sprouting – new, fragile, reaching out

God wants my honesty. Where am I placing my hope?

Shared personal experience of being angry with God, yet being unwilling to admit my anger, followed by the freedom of "letting Him have it" and being truly honest. Also the realization that I was placing my hope in a child rather than in God and the attitude changes He needed to bring about in me.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. – Jeremiah 29:13



Growing – stretching, exposed to the elements - hot sun, pounding ran, buffeting wind

God is personal. He cares about every need. He wants me to rely on Him.

Personal stories of God meeting me in places of need both in chronic health challenges and in infertility and other desires of my heart like the longing for a piano.

I pray that out of his glorious riches [God, the Father] may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:16-19



Reaping – cut, dry, gather, bundle

God does not intend for me to “do life” alone.

The beauty of fellowship, belonging and finding others who understand by personal experience. Contrast to the lonilness of "planting".

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4



Threshing – separating chaff from good grain, sometimes by stomping or throwing

Sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. God will help me persevere!

Struggle with fears during pregnancy and adjustments in parenthood. Sometimes "having just what I want" isn't quite what I pictured.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4



Refining – grinding, mixing and baking lead to nourishment and pleasure

When seasons of heartache are over, I should celebrate what God has done!

Sometimes rejoicing is obvious, such as celebration over the long-awaited gift of children. Other times it is less obvious, like learning to rejoice in 17 years of ongoing pain and illness. God is good, all the time!

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. – Psalm 126:5-6

Labels: anger, event, grief, harvest, hope, legacy, public speaking, Thanksgiving

I'm skipping ahead a bit in my monthly devotionals based on Hannah's Hope because God has really put it on my heart that someone needs to read this tonight. I pray it will be an encouragment:

The following is copyrighted material taken from Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss, chapter 15:

As Russell Kelfer so well expressed in one of my all-time favorite peoms, "Wait" below, I often wished I could see enough of God's plan at least to know if the battle was even worth such grief. If only God would tell me, "Yes, someday you will have a baby," or even "No, my plans for you do not include a child," then I would have either been able to rest in the peace of knowing or grieve my losses and move on.
Living in the ongoing unknown made worship a true sacrifice. Blind faith was sometimes fearful, painful faith, especially whenever I tried to exercise it in my own strength. Fortunately, each time I made even the meekest attempt to reach out to the Lord, my Father was there to hold my hand and guide me along the way.

WAIT
(Taken from "Follow Me!" by Russell Kelfer, copyright 1995.
Published by Discipleship Tape Ministries, Inc., and Into His Likeness Publications.
Used by permission.)

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes,' or a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receiv.
And Lord I've been asking, and this in my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth and the beat of my heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night'
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...wait."


For Further Thought:
(From "Fear of the Unknown" by Ginger Garrett, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children, Colorado Springs, Colo.: NavPress, 2003, pages 39-40)
Our suffering can increase through the agony of not knowing when it will end and why God has allowed it. We want answers to questions that God does not seem eager to explain.... We imagine that if only God would tell us the day and time that our wait will end, we could relax and pace ourselves during our waiting.
But the idea that this suffering could stretch on indefinitely haunts us and makes the present much more difficult. We can stand short bursts of pain, such as in the dentist's chair or when we get a flu shot, because we kno the pain will end quickly and because we feel confident the suffering will produce a greater good. We don't seem to need or ask for God's strength in those moments...
Lack of control, however, with no sense of when the suffering will end or why God allows it, nudges us to an all-knowing, all-powerful Lord. God can best demonstrate who He is when we are paying careful attention. Perhaps that is one reason why He does not reveal to us His exact times and dates and reasons. We want Him to reveal the future - He wants to reveal His character.

Labels: anger, grief, hope, monthly book devotional, waiting

Join Kris and Jim on their journey toward the adoption of Kira, starting near the beginning of a pregnancy and following step-by-step through all the joy and excitement, right up until the day of their would-be daughter's birth. The final post shares shining grace and a strength only God could provide at the news that this newborn child would not become their daughter after all. Path to Kira

On the Proverbs 31 Ministires blog (heads-up, the author is a mother of 5, 2 through adoption, so there will be occasional references to motherhood but not the theme of this post) there is a writing challenge this week. God pulled me from bed 2 hours early this morning, prompting me to write my article for this contest. But when I took a quick visit to the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums (message boards) before coming here, He quickly made it clear that what I had planned to write was not what He wanted me to say this morning. She I'm tossing my notes aside and giving a heart answer to a grieving friend instead.

After sharing of the deaths of two grandmothers and her unborn (six-years-awaited) child all within a two month time span, she writes:
"How do I trust Him and what am I trusting? I want to trust that this will never happen again and I know that isn't possible. I have been such a faithful Christian, I go to church every week, I [serve om multiple] ministries, what else do I need to do to be blessed with biologically carrying a child?
"I just don't understand and I am so confused right now. I am scared of how mad at God I am!"

Precious Friend, my heart hurts for all the trials you have endured. I'm sure you have heard that grief has stages. You are facing two very distinct kinds of grief right now - the profound and specific losses of three precious to you (all in a very compact timeframe), and the ongoing, less definable but every bit as real, ongoing grief of loss upon loss, month upon month, hope upon hope, dream upon dream. Anger is one very valid stage of grief, as is "bargaining" (as reflected by your questions above).

I struggled with these same questions. Not just struggled, but wrestled and fought under their weight as you do! In the end God reminded me that just as I cannot earn His grace, a child is also a gift, not a right, and that He alone is the giver of good gifts. He gives them to whom He chooses, in the timing that He deems most perfect. He does not give according to "merit" for all my works are still broken offerings and worthless rags. He gives according to His goodness and best plan.

As much as I long to give you a "formula" I can only speak from having survived those depths where you now find yourself and encourage you to remember that you cannot earn a baby. The Psalm "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." had me convinced otherwise for a time, that if I could just show God how much I was doing for His service, that surly He would honor that. And then one day, in as close to any "audible voice from God" experience I've ever know, He impressed so clearly on my heart that I had the totally wrong idea of what it meant to "delight" in Him with, "My child, you cannot treat me according to the gifts I choose to give or to withhold. I am Worthy of your praise, with or without a baby!" It was then that I realized that a baby had become an idol to me, taking my focus and God's rightful place of longing in my heart.

This realization wasn't an immediate fix, didn't make me "all better" over night, and certainly didn't instantly cause my womb to become fertile. But it was a significant turning point in my heart, the start on a pathway toward healing and freedom from anger's bitter grasp, the first glimmer of hope that there truly was light on the other side of that deep, dark, senseless valley of grief.

As for anger, I know that the anger itself can be a fearful thing. May I encourage you that your anger does not take God by surprise and that He is big enough to handle it? Death makes Him angry too. This fallen world is not as He designed it and death is an evil, vile thief. If we believe that God has the power to prevent such evil and yet chooses not to take action, why wouldn't we be angry with him? What God wants from you the most right now is your honesty, with yourself and with Him. Let Him know exactly how angry you are, why you are angry, how you feel betrayed... Hold nothing back. Yell it out to Him if you need to. Start a journal and get it all out there in black and white.

And then, once you have laid yourself bare before Him, ask Him to take all that brokenness, bitterness, disappointment, grief, and more, and replace it with heart healing and peace. He is the author of hope and we are promised that when our hope is in Him (not elsewhere, like in a baby) that He does not disappoint. I am not saying this to crush your dreams that God may yet have motherhood in His plans for you. In fact, it is my earnest prayer that He does, and from a human standpoint I pray that this answer to prayer comes much sooner than later. I am simply saying that when we get to this stage of grief, our needs are far bigger than simply that of conception. While there is nothing you can do to "earn" a baby (and you will only make yourself more miserable in the attempt), please allow God to start bringing Life in a new way as He is the only one who can meet this terrible heartache.

{{{Hugs!}}}
Jenni

Labels: anger, bitterness, contest, grief, hope, Peace, Sacrifice, testimony

I recently started a fun new blog called Let Your Inner Beauty Shine as part of my Inner Beauty Girlz outreach. The blog features Affordable Mineral Makeup and offers a ton of great beauty tricks, makeup tips, devotional reflections on beauty that delights the Lord, book and product reviews and of course give-aways! I would love to invite you to come join me for a little light-hearted fun to lift your heart and Let Your Inner Beauty Shine today!

Labels: beauty, blog, contest, fun, give-away, Peace, resource

I have to take a moment and highlight a relatively new resource in the world of infertility encouragement, a blog that has caught my attention with the author's thoughtful reviews of several popular infertility books. Of course it didn't hurt that her review of Hannah's Hope was an encouraging one, but I love Jen's candor and the tone of many posts I took the time to savor today. Her reviews of books, movies and music and detailed, insightful and not afraid of honest criticism. While Blessed Are the Barren is obviously only one viewpoint (and the name might be a hard pill for some to swallow), I believe Jen's blog does a great job of representing infertility from the 20-something Christian woman's perspective!

Dear Lord, I thank you for the immesurable grace you have given to us, to those who might as well have been in the crowd, jearing and demanding your crusifixion. That you could pursure us with the passion of a loving Husband, seek to nuture and protect us from harm with the heart of a perfect Daddy, and embrase us in fellowship as our Brother, even when we are your enemies, is beyond comprehension. When we struggle with unforgiveness, help us to remember all you have forGIVEN in us! And may we humbly lead by example as we receive your grace and pass forgiveness on to others through your strength.

Labels: forgiveness, prayer

There is a radio program / podcast called Journeys To Motherhood that I stumbled upon earlier this year. I was thilled to find an entire radio series dedicated to nothing but issues related to fertility challenges and I've enjoyed listening to several episodes.

There is a lot of "spiritual" content in the programs, but often not from a specifically Christian viewpoint. So it was especially delightful to find the kind review of Hannah's Hope written by host Barbara Winters in her blog this week. I hope to be a guest on Journeys to Motherhood this spring, possibly late February.

Labels: interview, promotion, resource

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 9th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Bitterness of Soul" chapter nine of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.
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In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. - 1 Samuel1:10 (NIV)

Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.- Job 7:11 (NIV)


Naomi knew the pain of a bitter heart. She lost her husband and both sons in a foreign country. When she returned home her soul was so wounded that when friends called her Naomi, a name that means "pleasant," she replied, "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty" (Ruth 1:20-21). Literally translated, the Hebrew word mara means "bitter." The idea behind this word is marrow, or the core substance of something; thus Naomi's bitterness penetrated through the very depths of her being.
Mara is quite similar to the word used to describe the bitterness Hannah faced as she went before God after years of pain and longing for a child. Hannah's bitterness, marah, also indicates great heaviness, disconnection, and chafing.
Bitterness is described in Hebrews as a root that defiles the soul, causing us to miss the grace of God. Nothing chokes out peace faster. Intense marah was deeply rooted within my heart for a long time. I felt raw, weighed down, constantly rubbed in the wrong direction. I was disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself.
I felt totally neglected and abandoned. I wondered how I could trust a God who would be so unloving as to give me such a strong desire to reproduce then not enable me to accomplish the task. All the waiting, disappointment, frustration, faith, hope, prayer, begging, pleasing, doctor's visits and medication seemed futile. God seemed so very far away.
Finally I had it out with God in a yelling, stomping, fist-shaking, tearful fit unlike any I had ever dared before. I had never dared admit to Him, nor to myself, just how really angry I was. But He had known the true nature of my heart all along. I couldn't shock or surprise Him with my temper tantrum. He was big enough to handle all my rage. By fully confronting Him, I admitted to both of us exactly how I perceived our relationship. But to my surprise, rather than driving Him further away, He drew me close!
Honesty unlocked the rusty gate to the wall I had built around my heart. It was an amazing breakthrough for me to understand that even if my prayers are only yelled at God in total disillusionment, I must keep taking my pain to God. He cannot help me when I lock Him out, hide or run away. I am free to weep with Hannah, as long as that weeping was done before the Lord.
The truth is, even when He seems silent to my cries, He is listening and does care, grieving deeply with me in my loneliness. Not only does He care, but He relates with personal understanding. Remember Jesus' cry from the cross, "My God, why have you forsaken me"?
While I demanded the joy of motherhood, I never stopped to consider how it would break my heart to be rejected by my child in the way I was treating the Lord. By grace, just as I could never stop loving a prodigal, God's persistent love never abandoned me either.
But neither did His love trespass where uninvited. In order for fellowship to be restored, I had to ask Him to knock down walls and weed my heart. Jesus declares, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:1-2). Pruning often seems more painful than letting bitterness remain rooted, but God is the master Gardener who desires to see us bloom. By drinking deeply of Living Water, even when I don't feel like it, the soil of my heart will slowly soften, allowing weeds to less painfully release their hold.

Labels: anger, bitterness, monthly book devotional

Here is an old article I wrote 10 years ago for the "Hannah to Hannah" newsletter in the early day of HP when most of our ministry was offline, through support groups and a printed newsletter. I pray it will be a blessing to you today:

The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving
Copyright © 1997, Jennifer Saake

We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord.
And we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving…

How often do we take the time to truly think about the words we sing in church each Sunday? What are sacrifices of thanksgiving and praise? "Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased" (Hebrews 13:15-16).

We see "sacrifice" used throughout the Old Testament. God said that without the shedding of blood there could be no removal of sin, so animal sacrifice was ordained from the day sin entered the world through Adam, and was to continue until the day that God the Father experienced the grief of watching His own Son Jesus, the "Second Adam," die in our places to clean our guilt and make a way for us to be adopted into His Heavenly family.

"I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs" (Ps 69:30-31). Webster's dictionary includes several definitions of "sacrifice," many along the lines of bloodshed on an altar, but here are some alternate definitions that I think are more applicable to the idea of offering sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving. "An act of offering to a deity something precious" or the "surrender of something for the sake of something else."

We are introduced to Hannah in the context of her family's journey to the temple to offer a yearly sacrifice (1 Samuel 1:3). Hannah was abiding by the law of the land in making the blood sacrifice demanded of her, but her heart was willing to sacrifice more. "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow saying, 'O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…'"(1 Sam. 1:10-11).

That was some sacrifice! No, Hannah didn't offer false thanksgiving by denying her pain or trying to pretend to God that everything was fine, but in the same breath that she asked Him to grant her heart's desire, she turned around and promised that the child would belong to God for his entire life. What an act of reverence for the God who created her and held the power to breathe life into her empty womb! We see that from this point on, even before God allowed her to conceive, Hannah worshipped the Lord (1 Sam. 1:19). The change from a bitter soul to an attitude of praise was the willingness to sacrifice her will to God’s. The words of Jonah reflect what Hannah probably felt, "But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD" (Jonah 2: 9).

Let's take a look at another family in the Bible - the first family that ever existed. Adam and Eve's first two sons were named Cain and Abel. Because sin had already entered the world before these sons were born, they grew up under the sacrificial system and worshipped the Lord from the time they were tiny. Cain and Abel both knew God's rules by heart. God was worthy of their obedience, respect, and honor, if for no other reason that simply because He is God! "For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods" (1 Chronicles 16:25).

The problem came as they grew up and started their own careers. Abel raised sheep while Cain pursued farming - both professions were honorable. These men knew that God required a blood atonement in repentance for sin. While Abel could readily offer the sacrifices God required by giving from his own flock, Cain had to exchange his produce to buy lambs for each sacrifice. (Kind of gives new meaning to the figure of speech, "You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip!")

At some point Cain tired of the system God set up. I don't know if he just didn't like the hassle of selling crops and buying sheep each day, or if his pride got in the way and he decided that since Abel could offer the product he produced in shepherding, that he should be able to offer the work of his own hands as well. Whatever the reason, Cain decided to bring a sacrifice of his produce rather than offer a blood sacrifice to the Lord (Genesis 4:1-5). When his offering displeased the Lord, Cain pouted. God gave him a second chance to make his attitude and actions right, saying, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it" (Gen. 4:6-7).

Unlike Hannah's story of obedience and willingness to sacrificially offer her one true desire to the Lord, Cain's story took a tragic turn when he hardened his heart in rebellion. In the end, Cain murdered Abel out of jealousy, and Eve, the world's first mother, lost two sons in one day - one to death, and one to banishment by the Lord. God's displeasure with Cain had nothing to do with a preference of meat over fruit. It had everything to do with Cain's heart attitude and unwillingness to submit to God's perfect plan. When Hannah did have a son, Samuel put it well: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" (1 Sam 15:22).

I'm afraid I often tend to be much more like Cain than Hannah. I don't like to bend when God calls me to something outside my comfort zone. While we live in an age of grace and are no longer bound by the Old Testament code of blood sacrifice, God still desires my heart to be soft to him and offer praise and thanksgiving even when it hurts - no, especially when it hurts - for this is where the sacrifice begins! "O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Ps 51:15-17).

We are instructed, in view of God's mercy, to offer our "bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God" and this is seen as an act of worship. How can we do this? "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2). Even when we allow God to renew us, at times it is still hard to understand his perfect will for us in light of fertility challenges. "To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice" (Proverb 21:3). God also told Cain that he must "Do what is right," but how can I know what is right for me in infertility or in Noel's death?

I have often felt, especially in the earlier days of our struggle, that the withholding of children was a sign that, like Cain, God was not looking on us with favor. I have struggled with anger towards God, and my face has definitely been downcast! I cannot go exchange my fruit for flock to make an acceptable burnt offering, so what can I do? I have finally realized that doing what is right in infertility is simply allowing God to make the rules! He is asking me to make a change in the sacrifice I am willing to bring, and it is up to me if I will trade my bitterness for praise as Hannah did, or if I will use my pain to feed a jealous rage like Cain.

I want to offer myself to God as a great parent, to raise the children He gives us, and train them to follow after Him. My desire is a good one. There is nothing wrong with this desire, just as there was nothing wrong with Cain choosing to farm the land. In fact, my desire is God-given! But perhaps one thing I have in common with Cain is pride. After all, God had apparently always showered Cain with blessings in the past, as He has me, so it is easy to expect Him to continue His blessings on my terms, without waiting to see what His will or His master plan will be. "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river…” (Isaiah 48:17b-18a).

For Cain it would have been as simple as letting go of his pride and continuing to buy his sheep from his brother, as an act of obedience to God. For me it is letting God teach me to surrender my plans to His will. He knows that I still desire to raise a family, and I fully believe that some day, somehow, He will give me my heart's desire. But I am learning to exchange the sacrifice I want to give for the one He asks me to offer, in obedience to His perfect will for my life.

He does not want just my parenting skills, but He wants all of me! "To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices" (Mark 12:33). I am learning, slowly, but learning none the less, that to give my whole self - body, mind, heart, spirit, soul, wants, dreams, desires, goals - over to Him, is the only acceptable sacrifice in His sight. "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings" (Hosea 6:6).

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6-7). When we pray in an attitude of true thanksgiving, being honest with God about our pain, yet making the effort to sacrifice our attitudes to Him, we are rewarded with a peace that defies earthly reason. "I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone - kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth" (1 Tim 2:1-4).

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed." (Ps 103:2-6)


Reasons for Thanksgiving:
God responds to our pain - "For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help" (Psalm 22: 24).

He puts an end to our pain - "Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps 30:4-5).

He helps us - "Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.” (Ps 28:6-7)

He carries the load - "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens" (Ps 68:19).

He is our comforter - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

He is faithful - "Know that the LORD is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Ps 100:3-5).

It is within His character to bless those without hope - "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD" (Psalm 113:9).

Labels: Peace, Sacrifice, Thanksgiving

National Adoption Day is a collective national effort to raise awareness of the 114,000 children in foster care waiting to find permanent, loving families. For the last eight years, National Adoption Day has made the dreams of thousands of children come true by working with courts, judges, attorneys, adoption professionals, child welfare agencies and advocates to finalize adoptions and find permanent, loving homes for children in foster care.

National Adoption Day is celebrated every year on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. For the first time in 2006, National Adoption Day was celebrated in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico. In total, more than 250 events were held throughout the country to finalize the adoptions of more than 3,300 children in foster care, and to celebrate all families who adopt.

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 8th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Fill My Cup, Lord!" chapter eight of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.
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Remember the woman at the well? She went there in the middle of the day when the other women of the town would not be near to avoid their whispers and gosip. Jesus asked her for a drink of water, then offered the quenching of her soul's thirst. The Greek phrase translated "living water" in John 4:10-11 is closely related to the Ephesians concept of being filled with the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18).

She sought happiness in the arms of men. Jesus offers peace that could be found in none other than Himself.

I sought joy in the new life of a baby. Jesus offers New Life in Himself.

I wanted to know the feeling of carrying another soul inside my body. He provides the Holy Spirit to indwell me.

I longed to nurse a child. Paul wrote, "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good" (1 Peter 2:2-3).

I dreamed of watching my baby grow and mature. But am I every-growing in Christ? "Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil" (Hebrews 5:13-14).

I bemoaned the "bread of adversity" I felt unfairly called to taste. The Lord answers with the cross: "And he took the bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, 'This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me'" (Luke 22:19).

I pleaded for a child to enrich my days on earth. He commands, "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:20-21).

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10 (NIV)

Dear Lord,
As I writhe under the cramping of my soul, it is the bitter cup of affliction and stale bread of adversity that drive me to my knees in anguished prayer. I'm scared to be brutally honest with You about the depth of my anger, fears, frustrations, hopes and dreams, yet help me to be real before You and honest with myself in the process. In the midst of this pain, let me clearly hear Your still, small voice comforting and guiding me. Thank You for the many times and ways that You have provided for me; please bring these to mind as they are so easily forgetten when my heart aches so deeply right now. Thank you that you truly do offer answers to every longing of my heart.
Amen

Labels: monthly book devotional

To read a moving letter from President Bush written to the families of children who have too soon left this world, please visit http://www.october15th.com/2007_presidentletter.htm.

Going back through some of the articles I've written over the years, I thought this one might be helpful to some:

Copyright © 2001, Jennifer Saake

"Patient refuses selective reduction." The words jumped off the page at me as I was reviewing some of my old medical records. My mind vividly flashed back to that long-ago day when I was interviewing a new RE ("Reproductive Endocrinologist" or infertility specialist) for the first time.
I had come to his office as a new patient in the sense that I had just moved to this state and needed to re-establish myself with a physician who could handle my infertility care. I was not, however, a "new patient" in the sense of inexperience. We had already been traveling down the long road of infertility for well over five years and had seen eight or nine previous doctors in our quest to build our family beyond the two of us.

As Christians I believe that God calls us to be responsible, informed, and clear about our options and limitations while battling through the jungle maze of infertility treatment. We are taught by society to trust our doctors and not to question that they know best. It is easy to become overwhelmed by the medical issues of reproduction and blinded by our desperation for children to the point where we let our doctors dictate the path first, then only check in with God after the course is set.

After my first referral from my family physician to an OB/GYN whose business card proudly announced his special interest in infertility, I felt great hope that we would soon be pregnant. His initial evaluation was that I simply was not ovulating and his claim was that this was the easiest kind of infertility issue to resolve. With a prescription for the fertility drug Clomid and reassurance that I should easily be pregnant within six months, I left his office very happy. Two years later, after much reading, personal research, and talking with other fertility patients, I finally realized that I had been receiving sub-standard and often inappropriate treatments. It was time for a change!

No doctor is the perfect fit for every patient. There is no law saying that you must stay with the first doctor you find. Give your doctor a fair chance, but if you are not satisfied with your care, let him know and give him a chance to fix things. Ask LOTS of questions and push for detailed answers until you feel you have a full understanding of the issues. Your doctor does not know everything. He is human, with human limitations (cannot read every new medical article published about your specific condition, has bad days, doesn't always do things right the first time) and human emotions of his own (pride, personal opinions of right and wrong, personality conflicts, stresses outside work, etc.).

HSG, HCG, IUI, IVF, post-coital, endometrial biopsy, luteal phase, follicles… The tests, treatments, and terms used can all become so confusing. In trying to understand what all these things mean it is even harder to understand what all the consequences may be! Again, ask questions and do your own research until you really understand what your doctor is talking about. Don't be afraid to bring other tests and treatments to his attention and find out his views on things you are not yet actively dealing with. As you gain a big picture of what your options are and where your treatment may be headed, take it all before God and ask Him for very clear direction. Write down your limits and share them with another couple that will hold you accountable; then you won’t be swayed by the emotions of the moment when your doctor proposes something outside your boundaries.

For my husband and I personally (and I am not saying these are the limits God will give your family, I'm just using our own experiences as an example), we felt convicted early on in our infertility journey that if we were to have a biological child it would need to come from my egg and my husband's sperm and be carried in my body, otherwise we would adopt. If we had to look at donor or surrogate issues, we felt that we would respond to the introduction of a third person in our marriage for the sake of conception as a form of adultery and that it could cause great harm to our marriage. My husband also had a very strong conviction against masturbation, causing much frustration when the issues of sperm collection for tests or insemination were important. We resolved this by having our doctor prescribe a special sterile "fertility condom" or "condom for insemination," allowing us to collect through the act of loving intercourse.

When I was seeing my new RE for that get-established visit and still far from being pregnant, why was my chart marked so prominently with words about refusing abortion of one of more babies in a multiple-birth scenario? It was another limit we were setting. I wanted this doctor to know from the outset that any time one of my eggs and one of my husband's sperm were united in conception, that from that moment on we would consider this our child, a unique person with value and soul. He was firmly instructed from the start to do everything in his power to keep me from getting into a compromising situation of being pregnant with more babies than he felt I could safely carry to term in any given pregnancy. Yes, we wanted children, but not so desperately as to put any of our babies' lives at risk because there were "too many."

It was a long journey, but by seeking God for wisdom with each step, becoming educated about our medical issues and options, setting firm limits within the convictions God gave to our family and persisting until we found the doctor that was right for us, we survived! Appreciating the amount of thought we had put into becoming informed and our honesty in setting strong limits, our doctor went out of his way to help us work for our goal. By God’s grace, within two years of that first consultation we were back in our RE's office to introduce him to our son!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:2-5)

Labels: medical

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 7th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Two Hearts Beating As One...Sometimes," chapter seven of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.

Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" - 1 Samuel 1:8 (NIV)


Unlike my husband, I found that infertility defined me. Someone would ask, "What do you do?" and Rick would answer with a description about his job, while I hoped no one would aim the same question my direction. "Stay-at-home-mom" was a socially acceptable answer. "Stay-at-home non-mom" never went over as well...
Infertility can feel like being caught in a burning house. The two of you run in different directions, tripping into and over each other, trying to escape the terror. As the suffocating heat closes around you, part of the panic comes from the lack of assurance that you are still together in this darkness.

While their barrenness was beyond the control of either Elkanah or Hannah, God ordained Elkanah to guide his family through the process. The apostle Paul give this admonition: "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" (Eph. 5:22-24).

I know submission can be an unsettling concept. Since sin first entered the world with Adam and Eve, it's been hard for women to let men lead. As a direct result of our sin nature, we have an impulsive drive to run the show. While my desires often conflict with Rick's God set him in authority over our family... When my doctor presents a medical course that offers me hope, it is hard to hold back when Rick gives a flat-out no, or even when he wants to just take time to prayerfully seek more answers. But my marriage vows are to my husband, not to my doctor or anyone else!

Does this mean that my husband's decisions are always the "correct" ones? Not necessarily. But I am called to trust God by allowing my husband to lead me, even in the face of his very human fallibility. I callenge you to allow your husband to take the leadership role in your fertility joureny. In the struggle to "have a family," it can be so easy to forget that as husband and wife we already are a family. It is important never to lose sight of this fact. While the desperation might make it feel otherwise, our marriage relationships truly must remain higher priorities than having babies.

Thoughts to Ponder:
What most attracted you to your spouse in the beginning? Why did you marry? What do you most desire about your partner? What joint activities bring you the most shared pleasure? If these answers don't readily spring to mind, it has been too long since you shared a common heartbeat. Sit down and list your answers on paper, then pursue ways to add to your list of joys together.

For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham... You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear - 1 Peter 3:5-6 (NIV)

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the man you have given me to share my life with. While there are times I just feel like he doesn't "get it" or can't understand my depth of grief, thank you for the checks and ballances of emotions and rational thinking between us. Thank you that even though he is not perfect (nor am I!) I can trust you to guide us through him when I step aside and allow him to lead. Thank you for the times I can lean on his strength to take the next step in our journey and his sanity to hold back when I might blindly rush ahead of your plan.
Help me to remember to keep our marriage a priority when this baby quest becomes too all-consuming. And thank you for your grace to bring our hearts back together at seasons we seem far apart. For my sisters without their husbands, due to divorce, widowhood, emotional/spiritual disconnection, or even seperations such as military deployment, I pray your extra strength, comfort and grace upon their hearts tonight. You promise to be a father to the fatherless and a husband to women alone. Please be all of that to my hurting friends tonight.
And daily, Lord, please be preparing me more and more to be your Bride, ready to stand before you, spotless and blameless because of the blood of your Son, in whose name we pray, Amen!

Labels: marriage, monthly book devotional

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 6th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "How Long Does It Hurt?," chapter six of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.

This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. - 1 Samuel1:7 (NIV)

Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days... So his father wept for him. Genesis 37:34-35 (NIV)

Culture dictated this time of feasting, yet Hannah found herself observing an unplanned fast. Bitter, salty tears didn't mix well with the food Elkanah lovingly provided. Why bother feeding a body that had failed her, anyway? As for her heart, did she really want it to continue beating if it would only be an ongoing target for Peninnah's brutality? Deeply depressed, she could nourish her spirit only with tears. The very thought of food was repulsive... Would this parching thirst of her soul never end?

Infertility provides many decision crisis points: If we buy the larger home in hopes of filling it, will empty rooms seem much too empty in the interim (or if they never do have inhabitants)? But if we buy smaller while knowingly trying to grow our family, might we regret such a decision very quickly, should children come sooner rather than later? Or can we een think of buying a house at all, when medical aid and adoption can be so costly?

The loss of a child brings even more quandries. When a hoped-for adoption or early pregnancy suddenly is no more. do we tell the world or grieve in silence? When a child shared our home and hearts, even for a brief time, how do we cope when she is gone? "Dare we try ever again, after having our hearts ripped out?" No one expects to need to make choices such as "Should we cremate or buy a burial plot?"

It can seem that all decisions either become rooted in or somehow always circle back to "the baby thing." How can I get out of bed this morning, brush my teeth, and go through the motions of normal life when my life is anything but normal? No matter how seemingly unrelated to my parenthood journey, anything that stirred up my emotions invariably led me back to my deepest pain: how much I missed our babies, how much I wanted to be a mommy to living children. I felt useless without being able to accomplish my one greatest goal in life. I felt lonely and unfulfilled. It all seemed so unfair...

The loss of a child, either a unique individual or the child who may never be, though he has filled your hopes and dreams of a lifetime, is not something you ever fully "get over." Just as Jacob, after being told of his son's death, could not imagine life ever again without tears, you may be in the darkest days of grief right now. How long will it hurt? In some sense, forever.

Grief ebbs and flows. With time and by the Lord's grace, there will come a day when you surprise yourself by hearing your own laughter again. "Even in laughter the heart may ache" (Prov. 14:13), but when that day comes, there is no need to feel guilt in experiencing moments of joy.

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13(NIV)

Dear Lord,
Grief is such a strange creature. Sometimes when I most expect to grieve, I end up handeling things fine. And other times the silliest little things trip me up and send me for a tail-spin. While I don't understand this journey, thank you that You promise to never leave me nor forsake me in the midst of this pain. When I'm hurting with such intensitiy I can't believe I will ever survive, you are right there sharing in my tears and anguish. And when those long-distant rays of joy finally begin to sooth my aching heart, you celebrate with me as you embrace me with Your amazing comfort.
In the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ,
Amen

Labels: monthly book devotional

I wrote this little note on the Hannah's Prayer message boards last fall. As it still continues to receive comments, it seems that it is a message many need to hear. If you are realitively new to the world of infertility, this is for you.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and bewildered by all these emotions, scared by the "alaphabet soup" of infertility's medical jargon (pct, HSG, hCG, IUI, IVF, ICSI...)or simply lost in the surprising depth of grief this journey can bring, I just want to tell you that you are not alone.

Everyone's timeline for processing this experience is different, but for me it was the first 6-18 months of our journey were the most devistating. I would hear of someone who had been struggling for years to have children and panic at the thought that if my heart was already so crushed "only" a year into our wait, that I would not physically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually survive that long.

If this is where you are today, I want to encourage you to look to the Lord for your strength for this day, for the hope, help and grace to survive this moment. You do not know God's plans. He may have a long path through infertility ahead of you (and if He does, He will be faithful to walk along side you through it), or your journey through barrenness might be comparatively a rather short one.

Like Peter who called to Christ to let him walk on the water, then took His eyes off Jesus and looked instead to the crashing waves, when I tried to look/guess/worry too far into the future, I floundered and felt like I would drownd. So my encouragement is simply this:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6:33-34 (NIV)

As you adjust to the shock and learn coping skills, you will not always feel the deep darkness of grief so closely suffocating in around you. Yes, as your journey continues, you will still have painful seasons, and some especially hard days, but you will also learn and grow and gain confidence in the way God calls you to walk through this grief. Jesus Himself "was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (Isaiah 53). We could have no better companion to hold us through this journey than Him!

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 5th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Put Yourself in My Shoes (Before You Put Your Foot In Your Mouth)," chapter five of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.

And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. - 1 Samuel1:6 (NIV)

I have become a laughingstock to my friends, though I called upon God and He answered - a mere laughingstock, though righteous and blameless! Job 12:4 (NIV)

We know of Hannah's misery, but we don't know much about Peninnah. I belive she had unfulfilled desires too. It is obvious that her fertility did not earn her first place in her husband's heart. Maybe Peninnah turned her bitterness outward, much as I did with my yearning for motherhood. The barbs she tossed at Hannah may well have been thorns thrown in self-defense. Flaunting her fertility could have been the only way Peninnah knew how to cope with her own broken heart. (see Psalm 73:21-22)

While, sadly, there are a few vindictive individuals who may set out to intentionally use my grief against me as Peninnah did to Hannah, most scenarios that bring me pain are neither premiditated nor spiteful. It is easy to believe everyone is out to hurt me, when in fact most people are either unaware of my sorrow or honestly wanting to say and do the "right" thing. People who haven't walked in these shoes have no idea of the depths to which we grieve and experience anger and hopelessness. It's no wonder their comments and behaviors can often seem insensitive or downright clueless.

I have to remind myself that the outside perspective is one of innocence. My own perceptions were also much different before I walked this road. I try to remember times when I have hurt hearts with statements or actions that unintentionally inflicted pain. Like the time I blurted out the figure of speech, "I just about had a heart attack" (indicating my great surprise over an event) twice in the same conversation with a friend who had father's heart-related death. (I'm so sorry, Julie!) Each time I instantly wanted to chew off my own tongue for the poor choice of words. Yet not knowing the right words to say, compounded by embarrassment over ones I had used, I just stumbled my way right on through my story, not even stopping to admit my insensitive tread on her tender heart.

When a friend says or does something that seems less than supportive, I can step back and ask the Lord how He might want to use me to encourage her and seek His grace to love her in spite of the heartache she causes. There are always going to be specific time (like when my hormones are a mess), places, or people that get under my skin, even when I try to seek the Lord's guidance. Some days the Lord-love-her-through-me approach is easier than others, but overall this strategy saves a lot of unneeded self-pity. When I pray for someone who causes me pain, God can bring surprising blessings as a result.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embitterd, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Psalm 73:21-22 (NIV)

Dear Lord,
Sometimes my heart feels so crushed that it is hard to see beyond my own grief. I take things personally when there is probably no harm intended and I ache so much! Please help me to be able to see the loving intent behind carelessly worded conversations, and give me grace to return love in situations where my heart seems senslessly tampled.
For that one person (you know exactly who I'm thinking of here Father) who has such a knack for intentionally getting under my skin and poking at the most raw and tender parts of my spirit, help me to love her through your strength. Open my eyes to the hidden heartache she herself might carry, and teach me to be a blessing in her life rather than letting me become a brute beast in return.
Thank you that you are the trustworthy Friend I can always turn to and that you love me unconditionally.
In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ,
The One who promises to be closer than a brother,
Amen

Labels: monthly book devotional

In an effort to reach more women with news of Hannah's Hope as a resource, I have just joined the Christian Women Online Blog Ring. Please note that many of these blogs may reference motherhood and living children on a regular basis.






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I've met a special friend in the Shoutlife community. From Hollye's website I found a link to her sweet article on surviving infertility and miscarriage entitled God's Umbrella. I pray it is a blessing to you.

I don't think of Will too often any more. I guess it is easier not to. But after calling to wish my nephew a happy 11th birthday, the memories came flooding back...

It was this week, 11 years ago, that I spent 24 mostly-sleepless hours with a friend who was scared and alone in the midst of a medical crisis in her 8th month of pregnancy. She had had no prenatal care, so I witnessed her first ultrasound and learned with her that her child, I hoped our child, was a son. Through that long day and night and into the next day, we talked of plans and dreams and her hopes for this baby's life.

At the end of it all I went home, emotionally and physically exhausted, carrying with me the news that we were not to be his parents afterall. I went home to a mass email birth announcement from my brother along with 30-some congratulatory emails that were "reply to all". It was the day before Father's Day. It was all just too much. I fell apart!

A month later we were back in that same hospital, setting our own dreams aside to again offer support to this woman whom God had placed in our lives, as she placed our longed-for child in the arms of his new parents. It was one of the hardest things God ever called me to do, especially knowing that his parents were not Christians.

I don't think of Will too often any more. But at time like this, when the memories come uninvited, I take it as a call to pray. Prayer is the only method of influence I will ever have on Will's life, but I pray that it is one that makes a profound and eternal difference.

Labels: adoption loss

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 4th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Because He Loved Her," chapter four of